Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
