when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
