After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
