Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize