sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
