we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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