Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have feelings that need drinking.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
