I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
