I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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