we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
