I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
