if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
