Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
