Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
