Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
