I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
