I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
