my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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