i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
