I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
