Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
