I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
