I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
