I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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