my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
