When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize