How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
