i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
