i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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