I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
