just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
