i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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