last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
