Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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