walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Fuck appropriateness.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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