Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
