Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
