she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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