I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize