I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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