goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
