At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
