fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
