apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
This toilet bowl is my home.
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