Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
