obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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