Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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