I met the friendliest cop last night
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
