when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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