So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
