well I can't set my house on fire every night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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