i love accidental penises.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
