I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
