do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
