So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
